JUST LETTING MYSELF BE…

After finishing with the system of psychiatry’s
“assistance”, I was able to understand something:

I was actually just letting myself be abused by psychiatry.

I was hurting myself on purpose by continuing
to stay in the “behavioural health” day-program.

Its environment was similar to being in a school, or a locked hospital, each time I was there. That feeling grew with the addition of cameras a few years back … the inclusion of a bell that rang too-long … and the removal of more space outside because of a chain-link fence.

That is right: The location has a very-large and decent yard … but in 2015 {or so}, they installed a cheap, metal fence that constricted people to an area very close to one side of the building. You can be sure that that was terrible, with all of the smokers and lack of privacy, but many did not mind at all because they could still hang out, sleep on the ground, or smoke. Of course, I had no interest in being in that area and fought to be more in the open.

That bigger, open area became used only by that those in the new addition to the building built a few years ago – a part that contained mostly groups and people with drug addiction problems {not related to the addictions and harms from the psychiatric drugs}.

Now, as part of my “treatment”, I was usually encouraged to try and talk to more people. I remember that I was getting to know some people from the new building, but eventually I was told that I could not go out in the yard on
the side of the building that was not for the “mentally ill’ ones from the other section of the building.

Wow. Thanks so much. That is a great way to help a person you are trying to get to have less social anxiety: prevent them from spending time with some people while in the same program’s building!

I remember that I was lied to about the cameras. I was once told they would only be in the halls and not needed in the classrooms. Suddenly, there they were. Of course, there is no reason to not doubt that the cameras would also have had audio capturing, thus removing more privacy.

I actually did not hear anything from anybody about being paranoid
of the cameras, which one would expect in such a location. I was not
afraid of the cameras "looking” at me or something like that. It was not paranoia – just that I did not want them around and was never told their
purpose. There were more than needed and were only added not for safety, but because it is simply how society was becoming today. There are cameras everywhere, recording everybody’s actions to keep tabs on the masses. Only some consider them for the benefit of the general public.

Although not a psychiatry floor in a hospital, I let myself remain in a type
of place that abused me in the past since I believed I deserved it.

I never felt safe there, nor that I was even allowed to not feel unsafe.

My, oh my! Free from there, I recognize just how much I hid a lot within
the location because of what it represented: abuse and creators of confusion; deception and inhumanity; controlling authority and loneliness

Such places helped enhance and design my so-called “Avoidant Personality Disorder”. Could they have actually understood this? That an APD, if it exists as a disorder, can be created in a specific location and then will not
be much of a disorder once one is free from a place? Chances are, they would have used some psychobabble and turned the experience onto me, believing I was just thinking incorrectly. Of course, being influenced by psychiatry propaganda, they would just think I was “suffering” from an illness’ symptom. After all, help for “mental illness” is always help and psychiatry never hurts anybody, right?

To me, this is what I was doing … and I did not know how to leave or
whether I would be safe if I did. I did not even have enough sense
to tell anybody this. I did not understand myself. I was torn and confused … and the drugs I was on contributed to loss of self-understanding.

The program’s continued label of “schizoaffective” in the computer data-
system, which was not in any way similar to the psych’s written DSM “axis” opinions, was a main factor in my confusion. Some people believed one thing … others approach me with the assumption of another … and I saw myself as just a messed up creature who had no reason to believe anything.

From abuse in the past, I was abusing myself now
by letting myself remain in the current situation of abuse.

I just listened and listened there, trying to make sense many times and not
talking about how I did not understand many of the moments or accept the teachings the rest of the time. Yet, once I was gone from there completely, there was immediate comfort.

When I was back here, but still knowing I would be going there, I was not the same. Was the rest of my life just going to be so repetitive and depressing?

It became only the start of real comfort knowing when I stuck with the
realization that a change was needed and I was not going to go there {or elsewhere similar} again.

I was too afraid to not be there. I was more afraid to be there.

I was rushed into leaving on the final day, but was preparing since
the very first day for when something would go wrong.

An environment can affect the way you think. Do not think a psychiatric location is safe and harmless just because it exists with a purpose that
society believes it is for help always.

I was hurting myself because it is what I used to do more as a child.
I needed to hurt myself due to such places and it was enhanced
while residing in the place.

Over time, people become more like those they associate with.

Just knowing I would be going there was debilitating and confusing.

I was hurt before.
I was making sure I hurt myself.

I allowed myself to be an experiment. I was letting them hurt me, yet
all the time they were and experiment of my own.

It was one I did not even really know was happening, for my personal notes were not considered to be something I would present to others. They were just being done to help me remember better since being in there contributed to me just shutting down.

My fear in there was real. I knew of the spot’s ineffectiveness.
It does not take medicine to definitely mess with your brain
and modify you. Any sad environment can do the same.

Only by leaving a negative environment could I be free.

I let myself be hurt for at least 14 years total over various portions in life
involved with the psychiatry system. Now, I have let it be destroyed and
am able to let myself become better.

I am not hurting myself any longer in anything related to “mental health”.

That is my choice. There finally came a time where I came to accept
and consider myself worthy of not having to abuse myself in psychiatry.

With the recent period of incarceration at the facility, I realize I had to let psychiatry kill me even more to understand eventually that I am allowed
to choose to not let it continue to abuse me.

When someone is raped, they are not to go to other rapists to help.

Psychiatry, by its very essence, is a major entity that can do nothing but
hurt me due to its rape-history, coupled by poisonous drugs and words.

My connections today are good, made in my own mind and not from anything from a so-called professional. That is of utmost importance.

Now that I see every “mental health care” experience as abuse and not help, I do not have to think that I “need” psychiatry in life and that I would maybe end up suffering without it. There is no fear of wondering if I will get worse
without psychiatry because I know I am worse with it.

Of course, I do not want to do anything to help psychiatry continue.
However, if any in the field are reading anything in this blog, the most important thing you can do is to grow up and away from your teachings. If you are willing to accept and not doubt that a person who is sought you was abused by one in your profession, believing that you can help someone
such as myself could be possible.

Yet, psychiatry, you are selfish as a whole and cannot do anything but fail me. Your techniques were nothing worth learning about.

I was just letting myself be used and abused, while psychiatry just had to leave me be in order to actually help.

Oh, how sad the system is.

Copyright © 2017 & 2018 Dee Essem/MIND MADE UP